'Mum, if you're about to have a baby, you need to make sure you go to the toilet first.'
'Um... okay. Why?'
'Remember, you told me. After you have a baby it really hurts to have a wee. You said so.'
We were all a bit nonplussed.
'I won't ask what it was about your dinner which made you start thinking about giving birth, but yes, you're right, it does hurt.'
At this point, Beth decided to join in the conversation.
'And, Mum, you should also have the toilet before you have a baby, because otherwise YOUR BABY MIGHT FALL DOWN THE TOILET.' Mass hysteria followed this proclamation.
'It's unlikely, but yes, I suppose it's a vague possibility.'
There was a brief - wonderful - pause in proceedings, before all hell was unleashed, and my two children decided to create their own list of absolutely everything they thought someone would need to know if they were planning on giving birth any time soon. If you're planning a baby... save yourself some cash and don't bother buying yourself a parenting manual... just work off the list below:
- Make sure you go to the toilet before you have a baby (see above).
- Don't whinge while you're having the baby. Even if it really hurts.
- Don't throw your baby.
- Don't hit your baby over the head with its car seat.
- Don't leave the baby at the hospital.
- Don't taste your baby's poo.
- Don't give your baby wine or crisps.
- And, most importantly... don't put your baby back in your tummy.
In eight and a half years... this is apparently what I have taught my children about parenting.