Friday, 9 July 2010

Potty Farce

Sounds like a new play by Sir Alan Ayckbourn, doesn't it?

It isn't.

I really, really, really hope the following makes at least one of you laugh. Because running through my mind whilst all of the events below occurred last night was one, solitary thought.

I hope to god this makes for an entertaining blog entry, or else I will have gone through all this for NOTHING.

Let me begin at the beginning.

Day #7 of potty training, and Mr Jamie had had a good day. Only one accident at nursery, and no (thankfully) standing-in-potty-wetting-self incidents. Pretty impressive.

I gave him his bath, put his night time nappy on (far be it for me to be so presumptive to get rid of that at this stage, even if we have had a full week of dry night time nappies. I don't take kindly to being pissed on in the middle of the night. Golden showers have never been my thing), read him his story and tucked him into bed.

"Night night sweetheart. I love you."

"Love you Mummy."

Yes, yes, it's all very heartwarming.

It didn't last.

30 minutes later I got the call over the baby monitor.

"Mummeeeeeeeeeeeeee. I need to do a wee."

I walked upstairs to the loft. "Come on then. You can take your nappy off yourself and sit on your potty. You don't need me up here."

"Will you watch? I get you your book." And he ran round the end of the bed and presented me with Jane Green's latest, before going to sit himself down and wee on his potty.

Potty emptied, hands washed, nappy back on. "Night night, now time to lie down."

"Night night Mummy."

15 minutes later.

"Mummeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. I need to do a poo."

I sent Neil this time, on the grounds this was surely a quality male-bonding exercise. Not sure Neil saw it quite that way. He returned back downstairs 15 minutes later to inform me that a poo had indeed been produced, a new nappy applied (I believe there may have been a small amount of 'follow through' prior to the potty being reached) and Mr Jamie was now lying down in bed, bladder and bowels evacuated, ready to go to sleep.

15 minutes later.

"Mummeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. I ned to do a poo."

I ignored him. "He can't need to do a poo, can he? He had one when you went up with him." Neil shrugged.

I gave it 10 minutes. His screams reached hysteria.

"Jamie, for goodness' sake. You have had a poo. And a wee."

"I need ANOTHER poo."

"Fine. Come on, nappy off. Come and sit on your potty."

And he did. And he pooed. Impressively so. We emptied the potty, washed his hands, and put his nappy back on.

"Night night time now then sweetheart."



"I need another poo."

"WHAT?! But you've just had two." (I should point out at this point, just in case we weren't already well within the realms of Too Much Information, that all of these poos were perfectly 'healthy' in nature. No sign of a stomach bug or anything similarly sinister.)

"I need another one."

"Fine." We went through the same routine. The next specimen, if such a thing were possible, was even larger than the last, the potty barely containing it. Mr Jamie looked at it proudly before disposing of it down the toilet. Hands washed, nappy back on, into bed.

"I need to have another poo."

I wasn't speaking to him by this point. I watched silently as he ran into the ensuite, sat on his potty ... and produced ANOTHER FUCKING POO. (In case you're keeping count, that's FOUR since he'd been put to bed about an hour and a half ago.) He picked up his potty, turned to pour it into the toilet ... and dramatically slipped and fell on his face, the contents of said potty immediately spreading themselves all around my bathroom.

"There a wee as well."

"Yes, thank you Jamie. I can see that."

I surveyed the chaos. My previously relatively clean bathroom, now spattered with urine. And a poo ... at least, there WAS a poo. Where the hell had the poo gone? It was huge, for god's sake. How could I possibly lose a poo?

I knelt down on my hands and knees, frantically searching for the rogue poo. I was NOT leaving a poo loose in my bathroom, particularly in the height of summer. (I like the implication there that I might have considered it if it had been winter. I wouldn't have done. Probably.)

And thus it was, whilst on my hands and knees, wading in urine, head under the toilet cistern, having finally located the fugitive poo ... that Mr Jamie, having, behind my back, produced his FIFTH poo of the night in his potty, stood up, attempted to carry his potty over to the toilet, slipped in his own piss ... and hurled both his potty and the contents of his potty onto my head.

Knee deep in wee, a potty on my head and a poo in the middle of my back.

Tell me, why precisely do they talk about potty training as though it's a GOOD thing?


Steph said...

Haven't laughed so much in ages! Very entertaining blog entry, definitely worth the excrement covered bathroom!

mocha beanie mummy said...

Omg I'm laughing so much!!! That's fucking HILARIOUS what an awesome post. I may have to tweet the hell out of this one.


And also, FIVE POOS? Whisky Tango Foxtrot?

Vonnie said...

AAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I'm sorry, I'm laughing in empathy honesty but my God. What do you FEED that child?!

KT said...

Steph - excellent, my work here is done ;)

MBM - ahhhhh, thank you - see, I feel better already now at least my living hell has made people laugh! And I know ... FIVE. Whisky Tango Foxtrot indeed.

Kat said...

I really am trying not to laugh....bwhahahahahahahahaha!

KT said...

Vonnie - it seems this is the undesirable side effect of your child eating two dinners every day at nursery! But five poos? FIVE?! My only hope is that this was a one off ... ;)

KT said...

Kat - no, honestly, laugh away ... like I say, it makes my write off of an evening seem slightly less painful!

Natasha Eaton-Price said...

Looking at it from a positive perspective, Mr Jamie seems to have mastered the potty, just not the emptying. It's gotta be one step closer to being potty trained and put you one step closer to getting a super women award!
I did laugh lots too and I await the day when we're close to potty training with intrepidation after your blogs on the subject

KT said...

Tasha - that is very true. I don't think I'm quite up for a super woman award just yet ... although if it comes in the form of wine then I think it's entirely deserved! And, honestly, don't take my experiences as being the norm ... I am sure this kind of fiasco cannot be NORMAL ... can it?!

The Moiderer said...

rofl lots! Your potty training posts are way more entertaining than mine - please don't stop. That is very impressive pooing. Potty training is going really well I can tell. How long did it take you to get rid of the smell btw? ;)

InceyWinceyMummy said...

How could you hav doubted for one moment that this would make people laugh? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Sorry for laughing at you.

househusbandconfessions said...

That's magnificent - a blog entry to be proud of. I thought mine (also on the subject of childcare) was passably amusing (seee link above if you feel the urge), but your suffering for your art definitely paid off - if that's any consolation...

Mummy said...

When I have stopped laughing I will come back and comment properly!

KT said...

The Moiderer - I have washed myself approximately 56 times since the incident occurred. Much like Lady Macbeth, I may never be clean ;)

IWM - don't be sorry. It's Mr Jamie who should be sorry ...!

HHC - I am off right now to go and link to your blog. I hope it also contains suitable amounts of suffering for your art ;)

Mummy - no, laughing is good. I am still trying to find it in me to laugh ...!

James Wolstenholme said...

This is quite possibly the funniest thing that has ever happened to anybody I know!! And it's absolutely no surprise that it happened to YOU!! I'm sat on my own crying with laughter! GOD LOVE THAT BOY...and his poo! xxx

KT said...

Love yoooooooooooooooooooooooooooou! I also love the fact it has taken this to get you to comment on my blog ;) This is my best friend, everyone. He is the most unreliable person to get in touch with you could ever hope to meet. I adore him. Jaaaaaams, are you at home? Am going to phone you now. Love you bad boy xxx

Luschka said...

Hysterical. We're just starting on potty training (i.e. I'm reading the books) and I must say I'm a little scared now!

KT said...

Luschka - honestly, don't be scared. I have never, ever heard of anything quite on this level happening to anyone else. Alas, I think it's probably just me ...

JulieB said...

You had both OH and myself crying with laughter at this one... Thank you for brightening up my Friday!

april said...

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear - thank you so much for sharing that - isn't motherhood DELIGHTFUL :)
*QLTMRT* No bugger that *LOL* lots of *LOL* (Oh - and have you tried one of those potties that sit on the toilet? you can get them with steps and all - would save your bathroom and you - oh dear...)

KT said...

Julie - it's my pleasure, just so long as he doesn't go for a repeat performance ... ;)

April - delightful indeed. I'm debating one of the ones with steps ... although today we seem to have regressed to simply weeing on the floor (Jamie, as opposed to me) so my overwhelming feeling is why bloody bother. I'm going to turn him feral and get him living in the garden. Problem solved!

mummyfiles said...

I only stumbled across your blog today and I'm glad I did. I'm crying. Superb post x

KT said...

And I'm very glad you did stumble - thank you for commenting :D

Fleur said...

Oh my god it literally took me 10 minutes to finish reading this as i am crying with laughter. i don't think i've ever read a funnier post. brilliant! x

tortoisedoc said...

I think you should haul out this story in 12 or so years when Mr J brings home his first girlfriend to meet the parents.... revenge is a dish best served cold:)

KT said...

Fleur - thank you :) (Like I say - it was almost worth it if it made people laugh. ALMOST!)

Tortoisedoc - hell yes - in fact, that's pretty much the purpose of this entire blog ... ;)

Not such a yummy mummy said...

I am crying laughing. CRYING! My husband is dying to read this as I've been laughing so much. You make me wee. Brilliant.

KT said...

Now now, we'll have no more weeing around here - I've seen enough of the stuff to last me a lifetime ;)

PhotoPuddle said...

Oh my word, you've got me giggling so hard! Proabably because we are currently potty training in this house!

lesley said...

So glad I've joined your blog-reading fraternity - if I am ever in need of a smile, I know where to come!

KT said...

PP - please, whatever you do, don't even THINK of following my example!

Lesley - and thank you for joining us. Welcome to the madness ;)

Curly Girly said...

I have tears rolling down my face, I have laughed so much at this!

KT said...

CG - I am delighted. Only now, a full year on, can I just about raise a smile ;)

A(me) said...

Yup. I read this when you first posted it, and I STILL come back here when I need to laugh. It is actually impossible to read with a straight face, even when thoroughly depressed.
"There a wee as well." That's the point that I collapse. Every time.

KT said...

I am beyond delighted that it still makes you laugh :-) (And am just about out of therapy...)


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