Monday, 20 June 2011

All the reasons I'm not going to Cybermummy

For those of you, like me, who are not really real bloggers really, you are probably wondering (as per usual) what the fuck I'm talking about. What is this 'Cybermummy' thing of which you speak? You are not alone. Up until a couple of weeks ago I would have been totally there with you. (In fact - small embarrassing confession here - I actually thought it was called '#Cybermummy', and the # at the start was some interesting exciting special code. It has taken me until yesterday to realise it's part of a Twitter hash tag. I am really quite specially stupid.)

Having done my research, I can however now enlighten you, and tell you that Cybermummy is some big event type thing that bloggers go to. (Clearly didn't do that much research.) Well, that some bloggers go to. I hadn't even considered it - unsurprising when you consider I thought it was some kind of secret code word up until recently - and then I got asked several times in quick succession whether I was going and whether people could meet me there.

Well no. Sorry. You can't. I am, I'm afraid, not going. To show you why, I have created a special shiny graph for you. See below. My inner geek will always surface ...

 Need some further explanation? (I don't blame you.) No problem. Here you go ...

1) Lack of cock. It's not that I'd be coming for sex (unfortunate turn of phrase there), but I really, really don't like women very much. (Sorry, female readers. I like all of you. Almost definitely.) I particularly - having grown up in single sex schools - don't like all female environments. And by the very nature of its name, the 'Mummy'-esque nature of said event suggests kind of a lack of blokes. Ergo: I'm out.

2) Drunk and disorderly. I am really, really, not very good at being controlled. Particularly when I have to sit quietly and listen for periods of time. (Disclaimer: I can manage this for a maximum of 8 hours a day, 4 days a week. Which is how I manage to hold down my job ...) It brings out my inner drunk/nudist/exhibitionist, and I find myself running around screaming, swigging from a Bombay Sapphire bottle, and thrusting my nipples in peoples' faces. I know you think I'm joking, that I'm overexaggerating, and that you're all going to be doing similar so it really wouldn't matter. Trust me. I'm not. You wouldn't be. My embarrassment threshold is genuinely non existent. I am a fucking nightmare to be around. Am I selling myself enough there?

3) Billy no mates. In the interests of being completely honest, I should point out that no one actually asked me/told me/invited me to come ... (I assume this is how one signs up to going along ... I don't actually know ... I'm still thinking about secret codes ...) Probably just as well, given the other points on my graph.

4) Organised fun. On a Saturday. And organised fun which isn't entirely focused on me. Fuck off.

5) Tweeness. Now, I'm sure the organisers have a very good reason for putting the word 'Mummy' in the title. However. As we know from previous postings, to say I have something of an antipathy to said word would be an understatement. I would genuinely rather scoop my eyes out with a rusty spoon (exaggeration? Me? I don't know what you're talking about) than be referred to, collectively, as a 'Mummy'. Vomit. Cybersluts, on the other hand ...

6) I hate me so much right now. I don't really, but I can't imagine any of the above (or any of the blog to date, in fact) has served to particularly endear me to you. I am an arrogant, drunk, naked, attention seeking woman with large breasts. Still hoping to meet me? Thought not. (Honestly not any kind of complex double bluff, contrary to popular belief.)

7) General incompetence. Goes without saying really. I got lost going down my own stairs this morning. (Not entirely, but I did find myself wandering around the middle floor aimlessly for several minutes trying to work out what I'd gone in search of. A baby, as it turned out. She bit my nose as punishment, so we're all good.) Do you honestly think I could find my way to a random event I still secretly believe to be some kind of code breaking workshop in the middle of nowhere ALL BY MYSELF? No fucking chance.

So there you go. A long, rambling, and excessively detailed (you can tell I'm lacking in blog material for today) missive on all the reasons why I WON'T be attending Cybermummy (or #Cybermummy, even).

I bet you're absolutely devastated.

PS Good luck, and enjoy, to all those who are attending. Get your nipples out on my behalf ...

24 comments:

Heather said...

for numbers 1 through 5, I'm thinking of arranging a special "drunken fuckwit blogger conference" in my little cabin next to the lake, there will be no soberness, plenty of drunken exhibitionism and the use of the word mummy is only allowed if said in sarcastic tones whilst chugging a bottle of vodka. You in?

KT said...

Provided we can all get around #6, and you can provide me with a special tour guide to overcome #7, I am THERE! You rock :D

Heather said...

"I am an arrogant, drunk, naked, attention seeking woman with large breasts."

Are you secretly me?

KT said...

Well, you never see us in the same room, do you ...

Kat said...

You crack me up. Just what I needed to get through the rest of the day!

KT said...

I'm cracking myself up ... albeit probably not in the same way! And thank you :)

midlifesinglemum said...

How refreshing. I'm thinking of doing apost entitled: What should I wear not to go to Cybermummy.

KT said...

Nipple tassles are definitely where it's at.

My Life, My Son, My Way said...

This is brilliant!!

KT said...

Thank you :D

Me Discovering Me said...

Wow, nice to know I am not alone. I thought I was the only woman who really, really doesn't like women. I also went to a single sex school - wonder if that is the reason.
We've overdosed on them. Give me a room full of men any day!

PS love your blog by the way (you're secretly a man aren't you otherwise why would I like your blog ;-P )

Sam said...

just tell me when and where for cybersluts and I'm in...

KT said...

MDM - *hides cock between legs and looks shifty*

Sam - reckon it could catch on?!

BNM said...

Love the reasons why your not going...
If it helps #2 is me - I am the one who gets far too ratassed in work parties even when I do try self control (ahem - something I think I have lost!!)
Not going either but that's to do with the blogging closet I sit in!!

BNM

London City Mum said...

Woman after my own heart, Billy-no-mates or otherwise. http://www.londoncitymum.com/2011/06/ten-reasons-why-i-am-not-going-to.html

LCM x

KT said...

BNM - there's a lot to be said for blogging closets!

LCM - brilliant!

Readily A Parent said...

Well my number one reason - for practicalities sake alone - is that I'm a mommy, not a mummy (here in North America we prefer not to name ourselves after decaying, toilet-paper wrapped Egyptians).
Of course I'm neither really. I'm secretly a man writing about notherhood and other crap in the hopes of getting laid. It's not working, but you have permission to "like me as a friend" anyway.

Other than that your reasons are spot on. Well, except the drunk and disorderly. Given my current state I'd probably just get really loud and then fall asleep tryong to make out with Heather.

Niamh said...

You're lucky you don't live in a country that embraces baby showers after the American tradition. Can you imagine anything worse than having to make small talk with a roomful of women (friends of the mother-to-be and her mother, aunts, etc.) where the main subject is babies and children, especially if you don't have any yourself or don't care much about other people's children? And then you might actually find yourself having a half-way interesting conversion with someone when the mother of the mother-to-be decides that we will now all play games, silly games all revolving around babies. Yawn!
But do you know what the worst thing is? These events are all held in the morning and NO ALCOHOL IS SERVED! Pure torture.

KT said...

RAP - See, by virtue of that comment, you are officially my new best friend. And of course you'd try to make out with Heather. Who wouldn't? ;)

Niamh - Baby showers are very genuinely the main reason I am relieved not to be an American!

EmmaK said...

God bless you for your honesty! As for cybermummy yeah I mean why go, no eyecandy or men on stripper poles for starters and lots of free samples of crap stuff like nappies and Imaac (I imagine) I think I'd pass too!

KT said...

When they start handing out free samples of gin ... THAT'S when I'll go ;)

Alice said...

Screw #Cybermummy, I'm coming to Heather's lakeside alcohol fest!

KT said...

It's a date!

Jonathan said...

OK - you just became my favourite blogger by quite some distance.

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