I am RUBBISH. Profuse apologies, blog readers. I hope you're all okay and haven't had too many sleepless nights worrying about my whereabouts. I am here, entirely intact, WEARING SIZE 10 JEANS (I'm sorry, did I mention the SIZE 10 JEANS there? My mistake) and finding myself with a spare few minutes at last to update you all on the madness chez me.
So we had some birthdays, everything got frenetic, and now we're nearly into CHRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISTMAS. As ever, I am entirely understated in regards to the festive season and am merely so excited I want to vomit. In a totally low key way. Look at me, vomiting on my feet with hysteria. Suaaaaave.
Mr Jamie and Beth continue to be as mad as ever. The madness is somewhat heightened at the moment by Beth's first forage into potty training. I was planning to leave this until she turned 18, but she had other plans and I arrived at nursery the other day to find her announcing in no uncertain circumstances that from now on "Beth PANTS". Oh god. Remember this ...? Yep, so did I.
The 'Beth PANTS' statement has become something of a premonition, as it seems that when it comes to potty training Beth is, indeed, pants. She's got all the enthusiasm - "wee Mummy wee Mummy wee Mummy potty potty potty ... oh no, just FART" - and absolutely none of the required finesse. What's more, she's even started to use urination as something of a weapon, proved when she was denied the opportunity to go up to preschool by her room leader at nursery ... and consequently squatted over said room leader's leg ... and pissed all over it, with a very knowing look on her face.
As if things couldn't get any worse ... Mr Jamie has taken it upon himself to become Beth's chief trainer in the use of the potty. As might be expected, this has thus far been an utter disaster. I was called up the stairs the other night after lights out to find Beth stood in the middle of our bedroom, nappy nowhere to be seen, a pool of urine around her feet.
"Jamie, what happened?"
"She said she needed a wee and so I took her to the toilet and took her nappy off and showed her how to use the special seat and she went up and down it a few times and then she got off and said she was just having a fart ... and then she weed all over the floor."
I have been drinking a LOT of gin. And wearing my SIZE 10 JEANS. Sorry, did I say it again? It's like a very specialist form of Tourette's ...