Sunday, 24 March 2013

This Blog's Defining Moment

Incredibly, I've now been blogging for almost four years. FOUR YEARS. (Obviously, that's not four years continuously. One would definitely be hoping for something rather more insightful if that had been the case.) There have been a shed load of moments of Mr Jamie/Beth randomness chronicalled during this time, but they all fade into oblivion compared to this one, which I think I don't overexaggerate (for once) when I refer to it as This Blog's Defining Moment ...

It's the one where I tell Mr Jamie The Facts of Life.

Oh yes. Brace yourselves ... because you KNOW this is going to be good.

It was Tuesday evening. Neil was out. This is important, because had Neil been present, the following chain of events would never have unfolded. He would have distracted Mr Jamie with some talk of baddies fighting and all would have been well. Furthermore, if he had been the one to dispel the myths, he would have done so in such a pragmatic way as to never to lead to any kind of confusion whatsoever.

Unlike me ...

We were in the bath, which is probably by now no surprise when you consider the number of blog highlights which have emanated directly from this location. I'm not sure if the fact that I was naked and in the bath with Mr Jamie at the time is going to increase the amount of therapy he's going to need to get over this incident ... oh, who am I trying to kid, of course it is.

"Mummy, where do babies come from?"

Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. My immediate reaction was very simply: "WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHY? Why now, why tonight, when we're in the bath and NEIL IS OUT. Which means that I am now entirely responsible for coming up with an accurate response which isn't going to scar both children for life. THIS IS NOT POSSIBLE."

I took a deep breath.

"That's an interesting question. Have you been learning about this at school?"


Arse. I was hoping school might have got me off the hook.

"Right then. Well. Basically there is something called a sperm, and something called an egg, and when they come together then they make a baby." I had my fingers firmly crossed that that would be that.

"Where are the sperm and the egg?"

"The sperm is in the man, and the egg is in the lady."

"What is a sperm?"

"It's like a tadpole. A very very tiny tadpole."

"Do I have tadpoles in me?"

"Sperm. They're not tadpoles, they just look a bit like them. And yes. No. Yes. Probably. I'm not sure. Almost definitely." (I actually still haven't found this out, must go and undertake some proper (ha!) research.)

"And what about the egg?"

"That's in the lady."

"Is it a dinosaur egg?"

"No. It's a very tiny egg, just like the sperm are very very tiny."

"How do the sperm get out? Do they come out of little tiny holes and sneak out and find the egg?"

"Ummm ... no. Not exactly." I'd hoped to avoid the next bit but the thought of Mr Jamie fearing he might be inadvertently impregnating any female he happened to stand next to spurred me on.

"The sperm come out of the end of your willy."

He looked at me like I'd lost control of my senses.

"Then how would you know you're not just having a wee?"

"Ummmm ..." I decided to leave erections well out of the way for the time being. "What happens is the man puts his willy inside the lady's front bottom, and then the sperm come out, and that's how they join up with the egg."

Silence. Total, utter silence. Even from Beth. Both children looked slightly shell shocked, like they'd both been witness to some terrible atrocity.

"So does that make sense Jamie? Now you understand how babies are made?"


"Yes sweetheart?"

"I think I'll keep my sperm to myself for the time being."

Well, there's one positive to take from this, at least.

1 comment:

Telefinn said...

A long time ago, a colleague of mine told me that his son explained to him how baby were made:

- "The Mummy and the Daddy take their clothes off, then they get into bed, then the Daddy gets onto the Mummy, and..."
- "...and???"
- "... and he wishes!"

Later, the son asked his Dad:
- "Dad, can you wish on your own?"
To which my colleague answered with a melancholic sigh:
- "Oh yes...."


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