Wednesday, 12 June 2013

Mr Jamie-isms

Not one to blow my own trumpet (this is a lie), I know you are going to LOVE this blog post.
Because, let's be honest, you don't come here to read about me. (Sob.) You come here to read all about the crazy arsed world of Mr Jamie.
And so here, just for you, are a selected highlight of Mr Jamie-isms over the past four years. I'd tell you to enjoy, but I think that's a bit redundant.
On walking in on his parents having sex: "Oh Daddy. I know what you doing. YOU RIDING THE TRAIN."
On being a daddy: "When you're a daddy ... you get a beard ... and a watch ... and a WHISTLE."
On a swaddled baby Beth, asleep on my shoulder: "Mummy, what are you doing with Beth? Why her got two heads? She hanging upside down like a bat."
On being told people like to listen to me singing: "No Mummy. No, they not come and listen. They not like listening to that bad loud noise. You be quiet now."
On childbirth: "Mummy, that lady shouting. She shouting because she can't find her baby. But that other lady find it for her. It hiding between her legs."
On the fear that Neil might drop the scissors he was cutting Mr Jamie’s hair with: "But Daddy ... what if you DO ... and then you cut my willy off ... and I turn into a GIRL. I don't want to be a girl. I like my willy. Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah."

On human anatomy: "Daddy, if you not nice to me, I going to get my skeleton inside me and I going to MAKE IT GET OUT AND GET YOU."

On me attempting to breastfeed Beth: "Yes, you have got stuck, and your ... and your ... and your ... and your BOOBS can't come out, because they are TOO BIG. YOU HAVE GOT THE BIG BOOBS HAVEN'T YOU MUMMY, AND THEY ARE NOT FITTING IN YOUR DRESS!"

On being asked to count to 10 in French: "Okay Mummy. Un, deux, trois, quatre, seep, bleep, blah, bluh, blah, bluh, blah, bluh, blah, bluh, BLUH!"

On Beth’s gender: "I think maybe Beth is going to turn into a boy, and that's why she's got short hair, because she's going to grow a willy."

On Father Christmas: "Daddy, when it's Christmas you have to close your eyes and go to sleep, and then Father Christmas comes, and then you click your fingers and Father Christmas comes in your mouth, and then he does some magic."
He is a comedy GENIUS.

PS There are more of these to come... if you're very good.



MadGeekMommy said...

I am crying with laughter!

talesofpiglingbland said...

After having to preview a whole days worth of Cbeebies programmes (work) my brain is melted. These have totally brightened up my day. x

KT said...

MGM - I am also crying ... whether with laughter, or with the weight of the therapy bills, is yet to be decided!

TOPB - good grief. I hope you have gin xx


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