Thursday, 27 June 2013

Of alcohol units

Apparently there is some crazy arsed rule that you're not meant to drink over a certain number of alcohol units in a week, or some other such madness. I know, right? News to us all. The basic rule of thumb is something along the lines of 14-21 units a week if you're a lady, and a bit more than that if you're a bloke, because we are fundamentally sexist as a nation.


After the week I have, I have come up with a far more accurate way of calculating your recommended weekly alcohol units. I strongly recommend every last one of you tries it.

As follows:

Determine your sex. (That's male or female.) If female, immediately gain +10, on the basis that'll cover off a nice bottle of wine, and men don't like wine so therefore don't need the extra units.

Determine your age. Have an extra unit for every year of life post 18 you've racked up so far. With the kind of craziness you must have seen: you deserve it.

Determine your personality type. Stable, middle of the road, never particularly emotional type? Deduct 15. You clearly don't need alcohol. Addictive type with propensity for histrionics? Add 20. At least.

Then you need to look at the week in question. Lose a unit if any of the following are relevant:
  • You are in a stable, loving relationship
  • You like your friends and work colleagues
  • You have not lost any of your possessions that week
  • No one has told you off
  • You live in a mansion (in fact, go back to zero if this is the case - why in the world would you be trying to drown out the world with alcohol?)
  • You have bought a pair of shoes
  • Someone has told you they love you
  • You have a good book to read
  • You weigh less than 9 stone (in fact, see point above ref 'mansions')
  • Your doctor has told you that you are moments away from turning into George Best (lose two units if you are in fact a girl)
Then ADD a unit if any of the following seem familiar:
  • You have faced scenes of emotional trauma that week
  • You have had a bad hair day
  • You've run out of chocolate
  • You've fallen out with your loved ones
  • You've gained weight
  • You have a giant zit in the middle of your forehead
  • Your car wouldn't start
  • You've fallen on your face (add two if this was in front of people other than yourself)
  • You've monumentally fucked up
  • You just really really like wine
And that'll give you your grand total for the week. Which should obviously be drunk responsibly, not in one go, yadayadayada etc etc blah blah blah.

With that... I'm off to make my recommendations to the Department of Health. Laters.

PS Obviously just in case you are a MANIAC and do not understand the point of this blog at all: I. Am. Only. Joking. Clearly adhering to the above would not be a sensible thing to do. It doesn't cover off nearly enough scenarios in which one might need alcohol, for a start...


Cheryl Pasquier said...

I can't believe you didn't mention taking small people anywhere near the lingerie department of a department store - plus 50 at least !

KT said...

Oh, that needs an alcohol unit classification all of its own!


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