There is a lot of money in the diet industry, so they say. We are apparently all obsessed with attempting to slim down to Kate Moss size, despite the fact we'd all have a lot more fun if we gave it all up as a bad job and breakfasted on a kebab and a pint of Baileys instead.
Given this, I am wondering if I should patent my own diet in order to make shit loads of money. As someone who is depressingly well versed in the many idiosyncrasies of said diet industry, I reckon I am likely the world's leading expert on one particular diet. We shall call it the I Know, I Need To Stop Talking diet. Such a dieting expert am I, I reckon this is the diet I've followed almost every single week since the year I turned 21 and realised some people had thighs which didn't look as though they'd been shaped out of (lumpy) playdough. And here, for you, my most excellent blog readers (I love you all), I bring it to you in all its glory. Don't say I never give you anything.
It goes a little like this...
Fast day. Apple for breakfast, salad with lean protein for dinner. A metric fuck tonne of calorie free liquids (water, Diet Coke, mint tea) drunk throughout the day to help distract you from the fact your stomach appears to be consuming itself from the inside out.
2lb off. (Likely because you were up every 30 minutes during the night to piss out the 50 litres of fluid you'd consumed during the previous day.) Dieting is easy! Apple for breakfast, salad with lean protein for lunch, more salad with lean protein for dinner. Why mess with a winning formula? Marginally less liquid consumed than on Monday, largely because you fear your bladder may give out.
1lb off. THIS IS THE BEST DIET EVER. Apple for breakfast. Followed by some chocolate because, y'know, 3lb off. Salad with lean protein for lunch. And some overpriced chopped up fruit in a plastic tub. It's Wednesday. You deserve it.
Dinner would be more salad with lean protein but you're getting a bit sick and tired of all that shit now so you go wild and feast on the children's dinner. What? Most other parents you know eat their children's leftovers. The very thought makes you want to gag, so you reverse proceedings instead and eat the bits you know they're going to leave before they get to them. There's strategic thinking for you.
0.2lb off. You are a dieting genius. Apple, chocolate and TOAST for breakfast. Ah, toast, how have I forsaken you for so long. Salad with lean protein for lunch, which is clearly the key to such awesome, sustained weight loss.
Get home and decide you can't face another fucking salad. Decide to treat the children to a Chinese instead because it is good not to deprive yourself all the time, and you have, frankly, run out of menu ideas. Think to yourself, in for a penny, in for a pound, and accompany said Chinese (which you somehow now appear to be actively participating in) with a large glass of wine. Maybe two.
STAY THE SAME. After the Chinese/wine blip you count this as an enormous success. Maybe you had actually been STARVING your body, and the Chinese and wine were needed in order not to bring your metabolism to a grinding halt. Apple for breakfast, lean protein and salad for lunch. You are determined to have a very sensible day so that you can have a couple of glasses of wine with your dinner of salad and lean protein tonight.
Drink one bottle of wine, a gin and tonic and a family sized packet of crisps. And the leftover Chinese. And the leftover children's dinner (your principles are now out of the window). And some ice cream to top it all off.
1.5lb ON. Fuckers.
EAT ALL OF THE FOOD IN THE ENTIRE WORLD.
Repeat Saturday, and throw in a Sunday lunch for good measure.
Discover you are now at exactly the same weight as you were when you started the week.