Friday, 15 July 2016

Things you must never do as a parent

I was asked to write this post by a friend of mine - I would link to her Twitter handle, but I suspect she would prefer to remain anonymous, what with her request being based on some very much real life frustrations...

There are some things which I genuinely think all prospective parents should be required to sign a disclaimer to confirm they will not do once they have children. I am pretty sure I am not alone in this. There is no way that anyone, ANYONE, can possibly think that any of the below are adding any kind of value to society...

1) I Will Not Photograph My Baby Eating. Actually, scratch that. It's your baby, it's your camera. You go right ahead and photograph your baby eating. But placing it on social media, where the rest of us might be happening to glance through while grabbing a quick snack and immediately find our gag reflex in full throttle? Absolutely unacceptable. Babies are gross, and babies trying to find an orifice to insert food into are really quite exceptionally gross. Please stop it.

2) I Will Not Bring My Child To Work. With the clue there being, you know, the word WORK. As opposed to CRECHE. I have never entirely understood why people think this will in any way delight or surprise their colleagues. Particularly when they bring in an appallingly behaved child, and then blame their surroundings for their behaviour. 'Oh, I know she's wailing like a banshee, but you can't blame her for that, she's really hungry and there are lots of strange people around. She doesn't like being hungry and seeing strange people.' WHY THE FUCK HAVE YOU BROUGHT HER INTO A CROWDED OFFICE AT LUNCHTIME THEN? (In the interests of full disclosure, I have brought my children into my office on at least one occasion. However, Beth was dressed in a full Spiderman costume, complete with latex mask, which meant she couldn't actually speak, and therefore I believe this was probably acceptable.)

3) I Will Not Stealth Boast. By all means, be proud of your child's achievements. It is likely you will be the only person out there who is proud of that sculpture which is allegedly a self portrait, but in all reality just looks like an oversized shit, so you praise away. What will make every other person in the near vicinity want to stab you, however, is when you employ the Stealth Boast, in a pitiful attempt to cover your gloating with self-deprecation. 'I can't tell you how disappointed I am that little Delilah has only read the first five Harry Potter books. She's three next week and I would have thought by now she'd at least have made it to the Half Blood Prince. Hoping that early morning tutoring is going to do the trick.' LOLZ. And also, FUCKOFFZ.

4) I Will Not Expect Other People To Marvel At My Child. We know, we know, you think they're the greatest being the world has ever known. And that's absolutely your prerogative. To the rest of us though, they're just a food covered, chattering midget whose existence is as a direct result of the fact that you couldn't get your contraception sorted out. So forgive us for being a tad underwhelmed.

5) I Will Not Bring My Child To Weddings. Yes, they might have been invited. I can tell you now: the bride and groom were only doing it because they were being polite/because they had to. Do everyone a favour - including your child - and don't bring them with you. They will hate it. Everyone else will hate you. And them. Leave them in the care of a trusting babysitter and go and get senselessly drunk instead. The wedding will improve ten fold as a result. I guarantee it. (My children have been invited to several weddings over the course of their lives, and have never yet attended one. Mr Jamie asked me why he hadn't been to one the other day. I described what happens at a wedding. His response? 'Please don't ever make me do that.' Quite right too.)

Add your own...

2 comments:

Jonathan Beckett said...

I wish there was an automatic filter on Facebook that detected people boasting about their children's accomplishments, and barred the post automatically.

KT said...

YES. We need this.

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